[I WANT TO WATCH L: CHANGE THE WORLD!IT'S BEEN ONLY TWO DAYS AND IT ALREADY FEELS LIKE FOREVER!]
By the way,in this post,...
L is for Lysander (unless otherwise stated)
Dem is for Demetrius
"he" is the director
The following is going to sound quite unlike me.At the ending part at least.
Quite unlike me,especially to certain people like Za(buza),perhaps Iman,but then again with who was involved,it's kind of justified.
Today we had a rehearsal.
It was a rehearsal without Hermia.Which was a sad thing. (No one to insult is a sad thing.I mean,I think [Hermia's actress] hates me now,but the hate might actually be worth it because of the emotional release it gives me.)
The rehearsal itself was sad too,since soon my love [Helena] had to leave,and I had no one to fanboy over.And then...HE DROPPED THE BOMB.
"It has become apparent that the men...can't act like men.Demetrius doesn't sound manly enough,and Lysander...doesn't stand like a guy."
(OKAY SO I WAS SAVED BY THE RUBBISH VOICE ACTING I DID WHEN I WAS A KID TO AMUSE MY PEOPLE but I don't stand like a guy because I'm surrounded by effeminate guys.Mostly.I think so at least.Don't get me started on Dad.)
Then he stood like a manly man would. (D'oh!HE CAN READ MINDS.)
(...in retrospect I should have asked Za[buza].BUT MOVING ON.)
HE TURNED L AND DEM INTO SIX-YEAR-OLDS.In clothes and movement,at least.
L and Dem now have to hold a teddy bear and a giant lollipop each. (D8)
And wear childish shirts (DD8)
And wear shorts (DDDDDDDDDDDDD8 I NEVER WEAR SHORTS.NEVER.Except during PE which doesn't count.I stole mine later from my brother)
...yes.And L and Dem lose their caps for sth more childish. (DDD8 Mine was designed by...someone close!)
L and Dem tried acting like kids for a while.And it wasn't good.Since my voice somehow tends to change based on my perceptions,...well let's just say if you want a brief idea of what I sounded like,just imagine the transition voice between a normal person and Hunny-senpai.(But it was mildly fun.I got to do a bit of a cute Death Note L-impression,since evidently he's a bit of a big kid.)
So we returned to normal people.In childish clothes.
Puck became a sophisticated charming person.
{In protest of the teddy bear and the giant lollipop,I have decided to put my *own* measures in place.
I'm getting a teddy bear,alright.I'm using the bear my brother won from a skill crane in Japan (that being one of the only things he's good at other than fanboying over Roald Dahl),which is white,with a black nose with blood dripping down under it (it has no mouth,I believe they're joined),as well as black claws coated at the end with blood red,and a plush scythe,and a BLACK GRIM REAPER HOOD. (I hear it's called a Chiaki Bear or something.That's what its label says anyway,but I can't find it on Google.So no pictures.)
And I'm taking a marshmallow lollipop.}
Anyhow,it ended badly.BADLY.
And he thought so too.
And,for a brief moment,he had a look on his face that was there for such a short while I can't even remember what it looks like anymore.
I can't even remember if he was directing or slowly losing it.
But there it was.
And I saw it.
And so did Dem.
And so did Puck.
The only one who was kind of off the hook was Oberon.
But never mind.
What did happen was that it made me feel horrible.
Really horrible.
Dem later told me that if we had plays based on ourselves we'd do ourselves no justice. Me and Dem felt particularly guilty,because he'd spent the most time on us.And we could see it,and we could feel his disappointment.
And on normal days,all of us know he emos,but this was the first time I'd felt that I'd actually contributed directly to his emo attitude.And that he wasn't faking it this time.I mean,he's never lost his temper before,goodness knows how many times he's had to let his anger and whatnot stay in his head when people like me would simply explode and take it out on anyone within a 5-metre radius.I have to salute him for that,I really do.
I probably feel like a policeman who's accidentally fired at a civilian at point-blank range.
...
I never want to see him look like that ever [link] guilt that comes with it is crushing me even now,six hours later.My Chinese teacher asked me on Monday,"Have you no guilt,no shame?" and I said yes,rather cheerfully,but I guess now I have to reconsider that.
And this is going to sound weird coming from me,but I actually now feel an obligation to make him feel good.Maybe not by any other way,but by my successful delivery of the role of L.And I hope I never forget this,because if I do,my drive to play L will die.
Perhaps one day I *will* forget this,but at least,let that day come after March 15th.Or after this year.Or long after he's left my life,either never to return,or to lose touch with me that I may never so much as speak to him again.
While I've managed to draw real-life parallels between my and Lysander's relationships,I still feel guilty.
Perhaps it was good then,that when Puck,Dem,Oberon and I walked out of school today,Dem hit upon the idea of throwing a coin into a bush.We put our hands on the coin,and prayed for ourselves.
It was strangely therapeutic.